


Angels In Your Room

by letspartyrightnow



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Physical Abuse, Rape Recovery, and recovery, diffiulty eating food, read with caution pls ily, smut and mentions of sex in the second chapter, there is onscreen abuse, this sounds angstier than it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 16:31:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14773185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letspartyrightnow/pseuds/letspartyrightnow
Summary: Dan ran away from what he wanted because he was afraid and it was probably the biggest mistake of his life.





	1. Chapter 1

"Fuck, I love you, I love you, fuck, fuck fuck." The bed hit the wall repeatedly. A constant bang bang bang sounded around the flat. "Oh yeah, so good, so tight, love you."

Dan squeezed his eyes shut, a feeling of sickness washing over him. He hated sex. He couldn't stand it. His knees ached as they were digging into the bed, and his hips hurt as he was constantly being pulled backward by his boyfriend so that he was being plunged into greedily, and it hurt. Dan wasn't going to lie. He hated sex. At least, he missed how it used to be.

Dan ignored Clay as he continued to thrust into Dan from behind. He believed him of course, Clay was just rough. That's all.

Dan made him wear condoms now, though. And he was glad Clay at least listened to him. He hated the feeling of cum there. He used to love it, but now it just made him feel dirty.

"Fuck, Dan. I love you so much, Bear." He said and Dan flinched, his heart aching. He immediately stood up, not caring that the quick speed in which he pulled himself away from Clay hurt like hell.

"What the fuck have I said about calling me that, you asshole!?" Dan said angrily, trying to ignore the sting in his eyes. He didn't want Clay to see him so weak. "You fucking know I don't like it when you call me that!"

"Oh shut up, Dan! Are you kidding me!? I was close, you fucking tease!" He shouted, coming closer to Dan and looming over him.

This is where Dan remembered that he had to hold his tongue now. This wasn't like his last relationship, where he could talk about the things that bothered him and his partner would comply and try to help him through his anger, not shout back. Clay was just different.

Dan shrunk and slouched his shoulders. "You know how I feel about that name." He tried, voice barely above a whisper.

"Actually I fucking don't, Dan, because I don't care what the fuck makes you think you can do whatever the fuck you want, you fat-ass. So, suck me off, or get back on the bed." Clay shrugged his shoulders. "Your choice." Was it?

"I'm really not in the mood." Dan said, shaking ever so slightly. He needed to be careful, most times things didn't always go his way. "Maybe I can just leave—"

"You better be fucking joking." Clay said, standing over Dan with clenched fists. Dan shot his eyes up, thinking that he needed to stop being stupid and selfish or else he'd get hurt. He cleared his facial expression and his mind, and put his arms around Clay's neck.

"Of course I'm joking, Clay." He said, smiling numbly. "Come on, back to the bed."

Dan lied his way through most of his life nowadays. He especially lied to Clay. Of course, only when he knew the other wouldn't see through it. Ever since—well, Dan didn't like to think about it—but ever since the incident happened, Dan distanced himself.

Clay grabbed harshly at Dan's shoulders, pushing him face down, ass up on the bed again. He continued where he left off. However, Dan didn't see Clay peel off the condom.

—

There was a reason Dan didn't like being called Bear. He didn't know why everyone thought he was like a bear, anyway.

First it was his mum. She called him bear when he came running into her room at night, scared of the monsters that were surely hiding in his room; under his bed, and in his closet. She pulled him close, whispered in his ear, made him smile, and invited him into bed with her.

"It's okay, Bear. Someday you'll find someone who will make you think angels are in your room."

The next person would be his grandmother. When Dan visited her, she would have a plate full of cookies and some tea with extra honey, just how Dan liked it. He would sit at the table, a dimpled grin plastered all over his face, his light-brown, curly hair shaking as his grandmother made jokes and poked at his dimples, making Dan giggle childishly.

"Dan, you remind me of the character from your little show. What's he called?"

"Do you mean Pooh Bear, Grandma?" He'd said, his small, high voice coming off as posh and surely more articulate than most children.

"Yes, indeed, my little Bear, that's what you are!" She said, and continued to poke his cheek while Dan giggled.

And the last person, well, it was Phil.

"Dan?" He said.

Dan closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep.

"Dan, are you awake?" The voice asked.

Suddenly, a person was jumping on top of Dan, and Dan let out a yelp as said person was giggling and smiling happily while interrupting Dan's futile attempt to sleep.

Dan groaned looking to his boyfriend and pouting. "I was trying to sleep."

"Ha! I knew you were awake! You can't fool The Great Phil Lester!" Phil said, puffing out his chest, and turning his face serious like a superhero.

Dan giggled, laughing at his boyfriend's antics. "I love you." He said suddenly. He couldn't help it. His heart swelled and his cheeks hurt from smiling. He loved Phil Lester.

"You know, you sound like a groggy bear when you're tired." Phil said, ignoring Dan's outburst for the moment. "You look like one, too, in a cute cuddly way." He grinned down at Dan fondly.

Dan smiled, memories flashing through his head. He knew he wouldn't be able to stray far from the nickname for too long.

"You're cute, Bear, when you giggle." Phil tested the name out, smiling triumphantly when Dan smiled so bright and so happily, Phil couldn't help but compare him to the sun. "My Bear. I like that." He said.

"I like it, too." It felt old and new, and it made Dan feel at home. Suddenly, he remembered what his mom would whisper to him; that someday, he'd find someone who made him feel like angels were in his room. Dan looked at Phil. He only saw one angel. He smiled contently, yawning and sliding closer to Phil. "Sleep with me tonight, yeah?"

"Or course." Phil said, getting under the covers. "I love you, Bear."

But then, there was Clay. With his biting words that left Dan's mouth tasting like bile and his body feeling numb.

"You're so lazy, you know that? Like, you never do anything, and you don't have a job. You sleep your life away. I don't understand why I support you." Clay said one day.

"I do have a job." Dan defended, editing a video. This was, of course, in the days where Dan could defend himself and have a video to edit without lying about why he had a busted lip or bruise on his face.

"Oh yeah, I forgot you get paid for being on the Internet all day. You're like a bear, you know that. You sleep all the time, you eat too much, honestly, Dan when are you gonna get a real job? When are you gonna stop being a lazy fat-ass?"

Dan's skin crawled. He tensed completely, wincing as memories crashed against the wall in his mind like violent waves. Unfortunately for him, some of the waves chipped the wall and escaped.

"Bear, do you mind getting off your ass for once and cleaning this place up!" Clay shouted. There was no fondness in the name, no love. It was an insult, not a cute show of affection.

Dan cried for hours in the bathroom that night. The first time in what felt like years. The memories felt new and fresh, and they hurt so, so bad.

Life hadn't been easy after he had left the one person who made him feel okay. The one person who made him feel like there were angels in the room. Now, though, he felt like he was a little kid, trapped with the monsters slowly killing him.

—

Dan was trying to sleep before Clay came home from work. But like most nights, he was having trouble. His mind was a mess of thoughts and confusion that he normally would try and pretend didn't exist. One question kept coming to mind. Was he happy? Was he really content with where his life was at right now?

No, of course he wasn't. He rarely went outside. He never filmed videos. He lived his life in fear of when the next time Clay would lose control. He cowered in fear day after day, wishing he was someone else, wishing he was dead.

He mostly went through days as a shadow of his old self. He kept locked up in his own head, watching things as they happened like he wasn't the person it was happening to.

But he didn't know what to do. What was someone supposed to do in this situation?

He didn't know if he had the heart to just leave. Not again. He loved Clay, and Clay loved him. Dan had to stop hurting the people that he loved.

Clay came home early later that day, heard that Dan was crying in his room, and went to the kitchen to get a beer. He couldn't handle Dan on these days. Which was most of the time now, really.

A couple beers later, Clay called out, "Dan!" After no reply, he shouted louder. "Dan, can you stop fucking crying like a pussy and get your fat-ass out here!" Dan flinched at the slur in his words. He had stopped sobbing about a half an hour ago, small tears falling slowly down his face now, but he wanted to sob some more. He knew how these nights went all too well. He got up and walked to the door, hands (and everything else) shaking.

"What do you want?" Dan asked stubbornly, his voice cracking. He couldn't help it, he was too headstrong and he was scared.

"I want you to stop being a little bitch." Clay said angrily.

When Clay was drunk, he caused fights out of nowhere. Dan knew this, and really, he thought, he just needed a fucking punching bag because his own life was pathetic.

Dan told him that, trying to show that he had some control over this relationship, and really it wasn't Dan's fault, but that's what Clay told him the next morning when he woke up on the floor, a bloodied and bruised mess. Dan thought that his heart ached more than his body.

Dan had tried to be careful. He thought that trying to stay on Clay's good side would help maybe find the nice guy he had liked so much. But in reality, Dan was just pushing himself into falling in love with him to fill the hole, the aching need in his heart. Even if Dan had loved Clay before this whole mess was made.

He'd known for a long time now though, that he hasn't loved Clay since that night. The night that had made Dan the scared and dependent person he was to have stayed in this relationship for so long.

But Dan didn't know how to get out. It's a crime to beat the living shit out of your partner, right? He could call the police, or his mother, who could then call the police and save him. He could leave for fucks sake, he's a grown man after all. Clay was buff and muscular, but he was nowhere near as intelligent as Dan. Surely, he would be able to think up a way out.

He could just walk out of the door. That one scared him the most though. Was he strong enough? Dan didn't think so.

Clay must have seen the look in his eyes, the hope, so he pulled Dan up by his chin and leaned down close to his ear. "If you try to leave, I'll fucking kill you." Dan's blood went cold. Never, in the year that Dan had been with Clay, had he ever said anything as threatening as that. If he had, then Dan would have left a long time ago.

Clay dug his nails into Dan's jaw and scraped down to his chin, breaking skin, and pushed Dan's head to the floor. Clay walked out the door, ignoring Dan's yelp of pain, and smirking as if he should be proud of what he was doing.

As threatening as he was, Dan laughed humorlessly, dazedly, at how purely stupid Clay was. Then he cried. He sat on the floor and just let himself go. He was so tired. He felt like nothing in his life could ever go right, and he just wanted a hug whilst simultaneously hoping no one touched him ever again.

Dan ignored his blurry vision and got up stiffly, his jaw ached and his body burned with every move he made. He wanted to leave, he really did but the threat from Clay stopped him from just packing up and leaving. What if Clay was just outside, waiting for him to leave so he could pull him right back in here and punch him some more? What if Dan underestimated just how smart Clay really was? Dan shook with fear, he couldn't do this alone.

He got out his phone and dialed the number he knew by heart.

It rang; once, twice, th-

"...Dan?"

He let out the breath he had been holding, but he tried to keep himself together. He cleared his throat. "I - I need your help." He said softly.

"Are you alright, what's the matter?" Phil asked. He tried to play it cool, Dan could tell, but he could also tell that he was pacing, turning Phil's breath heavy in the phone.

"I just, um, I got myself into something really stupid, and um," Dan's eyes watered. "I just really need you to come and get me." He let his tears fall again, because his body hurt. Because Clay was an asshole to Dan when Dan had trusted him. Because he missed Phil and regretted leaving him. He cried because Dan was afraid, terrified of what could happen if Phil didn't save him.

Dan heard a car door open and shut through the phone. "Dan, I-" Phil sighed heavily. "I need you to tell me where you are. Do you even know where you are? Should I call the police!?"

"No, no, I'm not in any immediate danger just, I made a mistake." Dan cried through the phone. He told Phil where he was, the address and the room number of his flat. "If you see anyone outside the door, turn around and leave." Dan warned, and he heard tires screeching on a road.

"Why?" Phil said stiffly.

"Nothing, just-"

"Why!?" Phil said louder, and Dan flinched. He heard the pure fear in Phil's voice and he cried a little more, because he was scared, too.

"The guy I'm with," Dan paused, shaking his head and clearing his throat. "The guy I was with, just please hurry." Dan begged, more tears falling from his eyes. He couldn't bear to talk about it over the phone.

The phone was silent and Dan feared that Phil had hung up. He was afraid that Phil had thought that this was going to be more important and now that he learned Dan was just afraid of his own boyfriend, he would think Dan was stupid. Dan thought he was stupid himself, so why wouldn't Phil think so, too. However, when Dan heard Phil speak again, he sobbed.

"My Bear, what's he done to you?" Phil spoke softly, his voice shaking and he sniffed.

"I'm so afraid, Phil. I don't know if he's listening now, but I can't take my eyes off the door. What if he's getting his friends again, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him." Dan sobbed and rattled on, relaying the memories of the last time he pissed Clay off just enough. This being a much worse circumstance, the punishment would surely be more awful.

"Dan, please, stop talking?" Phil asked. He didn't want to hear what Dan went through, at least not now when he was seeing red and trying not to crash as he surely went way over the speed limit. "You can tell me later, but I just, I can't hear that right now. God, it makes me sick to my stomach. Please tell me you're okay right now? I need to know that you're okay! Are you safe?" Phil pleaded, finally letting his own tears go as he held tightly into the steering wheel with one hand, the other tightening on the phone.

"I'm- I'm okay, Phil." Dan said. He knew that Phil just needed to know if he was staying alive, that Clay didn't do too much damage.

Phil knew that Dan wasn't okay at all. He had spent his year with family and friends. Friends that were Dan's, too, and Dan never contacted any of them. He knew that something was wrong, he just didn't want to believe it, still couldn't. His Bear, being with someone else, someone who treated him so wrongly, so horribly. How someone could do that to Dan? Phil cried at just the thought of it.

"I'm pulling in soon!" Phil said suddenly.

"Don't hang up, please." Dan said, his heart racing. He got up and went into his room, packing up all he could think to. He was getting out, he was finally getting out.

"Dan?" Dan stopped, his breathing labored. "Dan, I'm so sorry, baby. Okay? I didn't mean what I said." Clay was still in the hall. Dan put his bag softly on the floor and kicked it under the bed.

"Stay in your car, it's alright." Dan whispered into the phone.

"Dan, I—I can't do that." Phil said, clenching his jaw.

"You have to, he'll leave. He probably just forgot something." Dan pleaded. He still whispered. "I'm gonna hang up now, I'll call you right back."

"Dan, you in here?" Clay said, walking to his bedroom door.

"Dan plea—" Dan hung up the phone and put it in his pocket hurriedly.

"Clay?" Dan said with a false smile.

"Awe, my Dan was crying. I'm so sorry." Clay said, walking up to Dan and enveloping him in a hug. Dan stayed stiff and straight, scared that Clay knew what was happening. "Hey, you don't have to be afraid. It's okay." He kissed Dan on the cheek, right where he had scratched his skin. "I forgot my wallet, and to say I love you." Dan stood even more still, trying not let on that those words affected him.

"Oh." Dan said dumbly. Clay just smiled at him softly. All he saw was a warped version of the guy he'd fallen for.

"I love you, Dan, I really do." Clay said. He kissed Dan on the mouth while Dan stared on in shock. "It's okay, I don't expect you to say it back right now, but I love you."

Clay grabbed his wallet from the dresser, gave Dan a peck on the side of his mouth and left. He left. He loved Dan, and he left.

Dan touched his lips; they didn't tingle, there wasn't a spark. Dan's heart didn't swell at his words like they used to. When had that happened? When Dan looked around his room, he saw monsters, all memories that he wanted to forget. He wanted to forget Clay, too, the biggest monster of them all.

This wasn't how his life was supposed to turn out. He was supposed to stay and live with his best friend forever. He had found that person his mum was talking about and he left him. He left him, like a stupid, scared, insecure little boy. Dan regretted everything.

He was angry. He was angry that Phil hadn't stopped him. He was angry that Clay had done this to Dan, who did nothing but appreciate Clay. But he was angry at himself more, because it was his fault. If he hadn't left, Phil wouldn't have had to stop him, and he would have never met Clay and he wouldn't have ever felt so hopeless he wanted everything to just end.

Some time passed where Dan just stood there, stuck in his own head. A door opened and footsteps sounded down the hall. Dan's hair stood on end. He took one look at his angel and he let go of everything. He let go of the fight that ended it all. Then he tried with all his might to let go of Clay and everything he did to Dan. (It didn't work.)

He saw Phil lift his hand to his mouth and gasp when he saw Dan. Dan nearly collapsed with relief that he was here. He took the first step towards Phil and that seemed to pull him out of his shock, because he ran up to Dan and hugged him. He hugged him with all his strength, and he really tried not to hurt Dan because he was covered in bruises and dried blood, but he just couldn't help it. It'd been a year since he saw Dan, even if he never stopped thinking of him.

"I-"

"I know." Phil said. Because he did. I'm sorry. I missed you. I'm not okay. I love you. Phil felt it all. "Can I get you home?"

Dan cried at the sound of home. He nodded at Phil as he pulled away. Phil pushed Dan's curly hair back and smiled at him with watery eyes. "Please." Dan said, and went to pull away when Phil brought him into another hug. Dan held him back happily.

"Let's get your things, yeah?"

"Yeah, it's um, right here." Dan pulled away and got his bag from under the bed. Everything was mostly packed, but Dan got a few more things and put them in his suitcase. "Ready."

"Okay." Phil said, smiling. Dan walked ahead of Phil, leading the way, but Phil stopped him. "It's so good to see you, Dan." He said, his eyes watering as he looked at his best friend.

"You too, Phil." Dan said, just as happily.

They walked to the door and Dan tensed. Phil took the suitcase out of Dan's hand and put his own in replacement. Dan slowly pulled open the door and Phil let him take his time. Dan was thankful as he walked out out of the flat, gripping Phil's hand. He laughed, a bubbly giggle erupting from his chest at how easy it was to just open the door and leave. He figured it was only this easy because he had Phil.

They walked down the hall, taking the lift down and the whole time Phil never let go of Dan's hand. He was going to be there for Dan, no matter what. Dan needed healing, lots of it, and he was going to help. They made their way to the car park, and Phil lead Dan to his car. They didn't speak, they just wanted to get out of there and home.

—

"Are we going to contact the police?" Phil's mother asked in a hushed tone.

Phil was currently conversing with his mother in the hallway. Phil decided it was best to go to his mum's instead of his own house as it was a lot farther away and he had been staying with his mum for the week—that's how he got to Dan so fast.

Dan was supposed to be asleep. He had showered and then he was curled up in Phil's sheets with Phil playing with Dan's curls, but then his mother wanted to talk to Phil. She had asked why Dan, though she loved that boy with all her heart, was there after leaving Phil a year ago. Phil paused because he didn't know if Dan wanted to say anything about it. They had barely talked about it themselves. Phil didn't want to push anything onto Dan, so he was waiting for Dan to bring it up first. Phil ended up telling his mum, which Dan was okay with, even if Phil didn't ask. He was supposed to be asleep after all.

"Listen, I don't know what Dan wants to do yet. It's up to him."

"Phil! He was beaten by some monster! We need to make sure Dan's safe and that this... this man doesn't come back!" Phil's mother argued. Dan wanted to cry because he still had her support, even after he had up and left her son, surely heartbroken. He liked to think he was still considered a part of the family.

"I know, Mum, I know!" Phil whisper yelled. "There was a lot more than just this guy, though! When I was on the phone with Dan he said something about if he brought his friends in again. What if he was raped, Mum? What if this guy made him have sex with his friends!?" Phil was crying softly now, his mother trying to comfort him, even with her own tears in her eyes.

Though Dan couldn't see the actions unfold, he was sad. He was upset that Phil remembered him saying that on the phone. It wasn't rape though, right? Because Dan had "liked it" and he got hard from it. Dan wasn't raped. Well, he would never admit it to himself anyway.

"All the more reason to get the police involved, Phil. Talk to Dan, find out what happened, and do your best to help him and calm him down if he needs it. There's a reason he called you, Phil, out of everyone else he could've. He needs you." Phil's mother said. Dan was surprised by how right she was. Dan did need Phil.

It was quiet, so Dan decided to close his eyes and pretend to sleep. He heard shuffling and then the bed springs creaked as Phil sat down next to Dan. He tried not to jump or twitch as Phil settled a hand softly in his hair. Dan hadn't felt any kind of loving touches in months. He wanted to cry by how deprived for love and affection he really was.

Softly, Phil started to speak, trying not to wake Dan. "I didn't know why you left, you know. Hell, I still don't, Dan, but when you wake up, I'm going ask. I have so many questions for you. I need to know. You just got so angry with me that day. I waited at the flat for you to come back and knock at the door because I knew you'd forgotten your keys." Phil stopped moving his hand in Dan's hair, laughing humorlessly. "You never came back. I thought that you loved me, Dan. I was so sure. I told myself again and again that you loved me. "He loves you, Phil, he'll come back because he loves you." But what I couldn't and still can't seem to get out of my head is this voice saying if you loved me, then why'd you leave me, Dan, huh!? I waited and cried and prayed that you'd come back."

Dan couldn't take it anymore, he was sure that Phil would've been fine without him, but it was clear now that he wasn't. He opened his eyes, and saw Phil looking at the duvet with tears coming out of his eyes.

"I was scared." Dan said as he sat up. Phil jumped, blushing for being caught.

"I thought you were—"

"I know, sorry." Dan said sheepishly before continuing. "I was scared that you'd see how... not good I was, I guess, and that if I didn't leave, then you would." Dan whispered. Before he went on, he gulped. "Um, that night, I uh met Clay. He was nice and I was drunk and we fucked. I hated myself. I knew I couldn't go back to you after what I did. I didn't deserve you. I don't deserve you.

"Clay just seemed to start bumping into me everywhere after that, and he made me forget that I had left and I needed to forget because it hurt so bad, Phil. I can't imagine what it was like for you, but I'm sorry. I know that's no where near the apology you need, but it's all I have right now. Like I said, I don't deserve you because you deserve the world and I'm nothing."

"Don't say that." Phil whispered. He was trying to swallow everything, take in the emotions and the words that Dan was sharing. He was trying to rewrite the anger he had felt towards Dan for leaving, and after that he just felt the sadness that the anger was covering up. He felt the huge crack in his heart and in his head. He hurt and so did Dan. Phil wasn't okay, but Dan was more than not okay. He was raped, beat, abused, destroyed, and taken down by someone he trusted. Phil understood that he wasn't going to be okay for a long, long time.

What Phil didn't understand was why Dan still, after so many years of him being okay and them being okay together, felt like he didn't deserve the world, too. And he did, more so after what he was put through. The world owed him, and Phil was so angry that it let this happen.

"Phil?" Dan drawled. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. Just zoned out a bit. Lost in my thoughts, you know?"

"Yeah. I do." Dan replied.

—

Dan, Phil, and the whole of the Lester family were sitting around the table, waiting for Kathryn, Phil's mum, to finish bringing in the food from the kitchen.

"Well, Dan, dear, it's lovely to have you back home with us!" She said happily as she took her seat.

"I'm really happy to be back, Kath." Dan said, just as happy. He was relieved there was no spite held against him. Martyn had given him a hug when he came back home with Cornelia, and even wished him to feel better with watery eyes. Dan wished him well, too.

"Let's eat, shall we?" Kathryn said. Everyone started grabbing the bowls full of delicious food and they put it on their plates, they asked for things to be handed to them and the requests were accepted with laughs and jokes.

Dan remained still. He looked at his plate, trying to think of something to say. He was too shy to eat in front of everyone. He didn't want anyone to ask about it, but if he didn't say anything someone at the table was bound to notice he hadn't a single thing on his plate.

A year had passed where he was talked down to because of his weight, because of the small pudgy belly that he had had. Apparently, it wasn't small. Clay made fun of him for it. What if... what if Phil or someone else at the table made fun of him for eating? For being big? Of course he knew the Lesters weren't like that. They were nice, they weren't Clay, but Dan just couldn't get over the sick, nauseous feeling of eating in front of someone else, while they snared and told him he was fat and lazy and he never did anything and he didn't deserve to eat because he wasn't good enough for anything and—

"It okay to eat Dan, it's okay if you're hungry. No one's looking at you, you can eat if you want. You can do anything that you want to." Phil whispered into his ear. Dan looked at Martyn who was talking with his mum and Cornelia, who was listening to the conversation and eating. No one was paying attention to Dan, except Phil.

"Can you—can you not look at me either? Please?" Dan asked hesitantly.

"Of course." He quickly jumped into the conversation at the table. Dan looked around again, no one was paying attention to him. He slowly got the bowls and put the food on his plate, not a lot, even if he was hungry, but enough so that it'd fill him up okay.

He got a forkful of mashed potatoes and placed it into his mouth, savoring the taste of home cooked food, and not cold takeout or day-old pizza. He looked around again, no one looking at him, but Phil nudged him softly with his elbow. In a way saying good, I'm proud of you, keep going.

Dan continued to eat all of the food on his plate and half of Phil's when he offered.

—

"Tired?" Phil asked when Dan collapsed on the bed.

"Exhausted, really." Dan replied getting under Phil's covers.

"Okay. I'll just grab my clothes and leave you to sleep." Phil said happily, mentally aweing at Dan's soft form wrapped up in the duvet.

"Wait, what?" Dan said, sitting up.

"I'm just gonna get my stuff and head out, so you can, you know, go to bed." Phil explained, picking out some pajama pants. He never really slept in a shirt anyway.

"So you're not gonna...sleep with me?" Dan asked softly, frowning and blushing for even thinking he would. They weren't together anymore, so of course Phil wouldn't be sleeping in the same bed as him.

"Hey, it's okay, Dan. I can if you want, I just thought you'd want your space. You've been through a lot. Tomorrow we're talking about everything so you need rest." Phil said, coming closer to Dan.

"I do want you to." Dan said so quietly Phil wouldn't have been able to hear it if he wasn't listening for it. Which he was.

"Then I'll get the light." Phil smiled down at Dan as his stomach flipped and his heart beat faster. He changed into his pajama pants. "Is it okay if I sleep without my shirt?"

"Actually if you could leave it on..." Dan trailed off, looking away from Phil's face.

"No problem. Do you want some pjs?

"Yes, please." Dan got changed into some pjs Phil had given him, while Phil turned away. They made their way into bed, after shutting off the light, and Phil didn't make any move to cuddle with Dan. Until he knew it was what he wanted, he stayed on his own side, not touching him.

Phil turned to his side, looking at Dan, not expecting him to already be looking at Phil.

"You're alright, yeah? Not uncomfortable?" Phil whispered. Dan tried to calm himself down. He knew his face was neutral right now, but he felt like he was going to burst any second now.

Then, he spilled. "Do you—do you not wanna touch me now? Is it because of my weight? Or like, am I being too much of a burden to you and your family? God, why did I think leaving was a good idea!?" Doubts swam around in his head. He couldn't believe he was stupid enough to call Phil. Now Phil was avoiding him like the plague. He didn't even wanna be in the same room as Dan, for heaven's sake!

Dan's face screwed up. He was about to get out of bed before a hesitant hand placed itself on his torso. He shook with fear before the hand was being pulled back like it had touched fire.

"I'm so sorry, Dan! I knew you wanted space; I just thought since you were feeling like I didn't want to touch you it was okay. I'm not going to hurt you. I'd never lay a single hurtful hand in you." Phil tried to calm Dan down without touching him. He didn't want Dan to think he was going to hurt him. God, that was the complete opposite of what he wanted to do to him.

"Oh." Dan said meekly.

"Oh?" Phil asked, eyebrows scrunched up atop his eyes. Concern evident in the wispy blues and greens. They both sat up in bed, Phil flicking on the lamp. Maybe the discussion would come sooner rather than later.

"I thought that you didn't like me." Dan said. As he said it he realized how stupid that sounded and his eyes started to water. "I mean that I thought you—I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get scared when you touched me and it's just that—"

"That's literally the very last thing you ever need to apologize to me, or anyone, ever. If you don't feel comfortable with me or someone touching you, you tell me. Or better yet, punch me in the fucking face. I'm sorry, Dan, I read your actions wrongly, so I need to apologize." Phil said, breathlessly. He was mad at the people who made Dan so afraid. So terrified, that he couldn't touch the boy he loved anymore when he was upset, without fear of Dan reading his actions wrong and thinking he was going to hurt Dan. He would never. Never in a million fucking years, ever intentionally hurt Dan.

"They, they made me this way, Phil. He made me this way." Dan said, tears falling freely from his eyes.

"What did they do, Dan?" Phil whispered.

"I told them to stop. I said no. I begged. I pleaded. I prayed. I wanted it to stop. All of it. They hit me if I tried to get away. Sometimes they hit me just because they wanted to. They liked it. They liked to hit me. They got off on it. My screams. My cries. Clay, he watched. He sat in the room and watched me get... he didn't do anything. He didn't save me. And I—I looked at him and he smiled at me. He was happy. After that he had his go at me. He said that—" Dan burst into more tears. He grabbed Phil's hand when Phil offered it and he squeezed it like it was his lifeline.

"It's okay, Dan, you don't have to say anything." Phil said. The thing was, he didn't know if he wanted to hear what Dan was going to say.

"I need to," Dan replied, wiping his tears. "I need to get this off my chest and out of my head."

Phil choked up. "Okay, take your time, Dan. It's okay now, remember that. They can't get you. I won't let anything like that happen to you ever again."

Dan breathed in. "He told me I liked it. I couldn't control myself, Phil. I—I got hard and they made me..."

"I get it, it's okay."

"It didn't feel good, though. Not like when I was with you. Sometimes you'd tie me up or slap my thighs and I liked that. Because I knew you loved me. I knew that, if I asked, you'd stop." Dan's tears dropped down to the hand he was holding. "It happened three more times after that. With his friends at least. Sometimes it was just him and—he said he loved me, Phil. Every fucking time. He'd tell me how good I was. How he loved me. But it all just made me so sick, I couldn't breathe." Dan took in a deep breath then, like he didn't have enough air. "He hit me. It hurt. I'd cry. He'd hit me again. He never apologized. Not until the day I called you. He told me he loved me, kissed me on the lips, said he was sorry. I can't remember where I stopped believing him." Dan finished with a soft sigh. He was still crying, but it was only small tears falling from his closed eyes.

Phil hurt. He hurt in his heart, because he loved Dan. Lover or friend he loved him, and he was so sorry he ever let Dan walk out that door and meet Clay, that bastard.

"Can I—is it okay if I hug you, Dan?" Phil asked, squeezing Dan's hand.

"Please?" Dan replied before he was being pulled forward into a bone-crushing hug. He didn't flinch. He didn't feel scared or like Phil was going to hurt him. Dan felt safe. He felt home. Phil was starting to pull away, but Dan hadn't had enough. "No, don't let go. Not again."

"I never let go in the first place."

Dan knew he wasn't talking about the hug anymore. His chest lurched and he hugged Phil tighter. Phil still loved him. He loved Dan.

"Can you say it?" Dan asked tentatively.

"Say—?" Phil asked confusedly.

"You know." Dan said closing his eyes.

A couple seconds passed where Dan gave up hope. He was proved right when Phil started to pull away without a word. He had messed up.

Phil put his hand on Dan's shoulder, slowly leaning into Dan. Dan was confused. What was Phil doing?

Phil placed a small kiss to where Dan's dimple would be of he were smiling.

"I love you, Bear. Always have, always will. No matter what."

They fell asleep shortly after, a foot of space left between them. Their hands, however, remained intertwined under the duvet.

Phil knew that Dan wouldn't be saying I love you for a while, but that in no way meant he couldn't say it to Dan, nor did it mean that Dan didn't love him.

—

After a week of getting Dan back into the swing of things, Dan, Phil, and Kathryn made their way to the police.

They would've gone sooner but Dan wasn't having it. If he could barely think about it without breaking down while eating with everyone, then how could he utter a single word to the police when he needed to make his statement as detailed as possible?

So once Dan gave the okay one morning after breakfast, Phil was softly kissing his lips (because Dan let him do that now) and Kathryn had hugged him hesitantly, all while encouraging Dan and telling him they'd be there every step of the way.

Dan still refused to tell his parents. No matter how much Phil or Kathryn or even Martyn had tried, he refused and stayed quiet the rest of the day. It's not like he didn't appreciate everything that everyone did for him, he just felt like his parents would be disappointed in him. He knew better than to trust strangers, and Dan fucked one then dated him, then fucking moved in with him. How was he going to explain to his parents that he threw away everything they'd engraved into his head and got himself into the biggest mess? He wasn't going to, was Dan's answers.

After everyone got dressed, they were off to the police station, taking a taxi rather than going through underground. (Dan's idea.)

When Dan stepped foot into the station, he was enveloped in warmth. Maybe a bit too warm, he thought. He squeezed Phil's hand when he felt he might be trying to take it away.

"It's okay, Dan. Don't look too nervous or else they might think you're here to confess a murder." Phil joked, whispering into his ear.

"Yeah, Phil, thanks. Totally helping right now." Dan said back, rolling his eyes.

Phil giggled and kissed Dan's inflamed cheeks. "Glad you're doing this." He said softly.

Dan looked at Phil and smiled warmly. "Me too."

Kathryn came back just in time to stop Dan from kissing Phil's lips red. "They say they'll talk to you in a couple minutes. We can go ahead and take a seat." She smiled at Dan kindly, giving his arm a soft squeeze in comfort. "You'll be alright, dear."

"Thanks." Dan said back. Together they all made it to the waiting area. Dan sat at the edge of his seat, knee shaking and fingers tapping a silent rhythm into his thigh, his other hand firmly attached to Phil's.

Which was a good thing, Dan told himself. They were allowed to do that now. Maybe they'd gotten back together too fast. Dan had been thinking about it ever since he'd placed a kiss on Phil's lips. They'd talked about it right away afterward, laying themselves completely down on the table, and Dan had cried and so had Phil, and it was a mess but it was them.

Phil had told him that he could get out of it at any time, if it was just too much to handle, but Dan had denied the offer. He loved Phil. He had known him for too long not to, and maybe this was a bad idea, and he sometimes couldn't accept Phil's soft kisses, but it was what he wanted. Phil had firmly told him that them being together wouldn't help Dan through all the shit he'd been through, and he was shocked Phil had said that, but he knew it was true.

After that, they went over ground rules: The ball was always in Dan's court. He decided the next steps, no matter what, and he called the shots. That had made Dan feel a little off so he told Phil that he could always so no, too. Phil had smiled, told him, "I know," and then he went on talking.

It was, all in all, a very long day. Once they talked, Dan felt drained, as he usually did, and slept for the rest of that day, Phil waking him up every few hours to make him drink some water or eat something small.

"Dan Howell?"

He jumped, and squeezed Phil's hand tightly. He looked up and cleared his throat. "Yes." Dan stood up, reluctantly letting go of Phil's hand, and he began to walk toward the lady.

"You can bring your friend, if you'd like. I understand how you must feel." She said softly when Dan reached her.

"Oh, thank God." He muttered. "Thank you, so much."

"Phil?" He asked, turning back around. Phil looked at him questioningly, but sat up when Dan nodded toward the hallway they were going to go down. "C'mon." He smiled.

Phil stood up and walked with Dan and the lady, who's name tag said Pierce, down the hallway and into a questioning room. They took a seat as she remained standing.

"So, boys, I'm Officer Pierce." She cleared her throat, setting the clipboard down. She looked toward Dan. "I know this is going to be very hard for you, Dan. So please take your time, don't push yourself. If you have to come back tomorrow or the next day, just so it isn't too much, you are more than welcome."

Phil smiled at Dan who smiled back. Dan was just happy this officer seemed nice. He took a deep, deep breath and began.

"His name is Clayton Lee Cruise. Born September 20th, 1990. He..." Dan paused. He'd only ever said it out loud the night he told Phil and even then he didn't use the exact words. He looked at Phil who was smiling sadly, but encouragingly. He looked down. "He beat me, abused me, and then he raped me. Sometimes with his friends. But mostly without." His eyes watered and so did Phil's.

"Well," Officer Pierce sat down in front of Dan, pulling his attention to her and away from Phil's guilty eyes, "tell me everything and we'll get him locked up tight. You understand sweetie?"

"Yeah." He sighed, grabbing Phil's hand tightly, and he began talking, not stopping until every word he needed to say was said.

—

"I'm so proud of you." Phil whispered into Dan's ear.

It had been a long day, and Dan was leaning into Phil's shoulder tiredly, not ready for much more contact. After he got back, he didn't really want to be touched. The officers had to take pictures of the marks and bruises on his body. Though some had started to heal, it was hard to hide and ignore the big handprints on his waist and the big blue and green and purple splotches of bruises all over his back, thighs, arms, and torso, the busted lip, the scratches on his chin. Dan had asked for Phil to leave while he was in tears. He only let Officer Pierce see everything; he didn't allow anyone else in the room.

All Dan needed right now was to not be alone or stuck in his head. The pressure of Phil sat next to him, their arms pressed together was all he could handle, but it was good. He knew that someone was there for him.

"I don't understand why." Dan responded to Phil's praise tiredly. "All I did was tell on him." Dan said grumpily. He didn't deserve Phil's kind words, not even his kind touches. He saw how guilty he had made Phil, when he was telling Officer Pierce about Clay.

"You did more than that, Dan. He's going to be locked up. Put away for a very long time, if not forever. That means you'll never have to see him again, and no one will have to go through what you did by his hand." He leaned a little more into Dan, even though he knew he shouldn't, but Dan accepted it by hesitantly and slowly laying his head on Phil's shoulder.

"Whatever." Dan said stubbornly, tangling his ankle with Phil's. He tried to ignore the way Phil's breath hitched then seemed to speed up again. "Sorry did I do something wrong?" Dan tried to take his foot back, but Phil stopped him.

"No, it's just that you literally take my breath away. My heart is beating so fast right now, because I love you with all my heart and like it kinda hurts when I think about you." Phil explained.

"Oh." Dan said, his cheeks heating up and his own breath stuttered as he felt his heart skip a beat. "Yeah, I know how that feels."

"I love you so much, Bear." Phil said then, kissing Dan's forehead.

"God, I love you too, Angel." Dan said as he caught Phil's hand softly in his.

"Who's Angel?"

"Actually shut up." Dan threw his head away from Phil's shoulder exasperatedly and closed his eyes. "Besides, you know you've always been my angel."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan's in recovery and there's a lot to think about, but mostly he just misses the way Phil used to touch him.

Dan sat on the chair by the window, looking out at the families and couples walking around at the park. He bet that they were all really happy, what with the way they were smiling all the time. How they seemed to be blissful and in love, and having the time of their lives.

Dan may be in love, too, but he felt like he didn't deserve to feel such a strong emotion anymore. He felt like he was bruised fruit, a dented can that was to be thrown away because no one wanted spoiled goods. And, well, that's what Dan was. He was the fruit that had fallen to the floor and now when you touched it it was all mushy and gross. Dan  _ felt _ mushy and gross.

There really wasn't any other way he could explain it. He just knew that at the beginning, he was in love and then he'd ruined it, queue the bruised fruit and Dan had come full circle, right back to being in love.

Who's to say it doesn't happen again? What if Phil gets tired of Dan being so distant and  _ he  _ leaves?

If Dan were Phil, he'd have hung up right when Dan had called for Phil to save him. And now, Phil was supposed to help him? Dan couldn't even help himself, so how was he expected to let Phil do just that? He didn't want to be helped, he wanted to be free; to run away from everything and everyone, but he couldn't, and he couldn't tell anyone because then they'd think he was planning to jump right from this window and to his inevitable doom.

Dan didn't want to  _ die _ . He wanted to forget. To throw away all the memories and burn them and never look back as he grabbed Phil's hand; and then maybe he'd be able to actually be touched more often by the person he loved the most in the entire world, above himself, and above the clouds, and above the universe. And maybe that wasn't healthy: to love someone more than yourself, but Dan did, and he did it with all his heart.

He just wanted to be able to feel Phil on his skin like he used to. To have Phil worship him like he loved Dan more than himself, too. Dan just didn't want to feel so irrevocably alone when he was in a room full of people, right beside his best friend who Dan wished knew what was going on inside his own head. The battles and wars he fought daily and the amount of times he looked at people outside of the window, wishing he could be them, live their lives instead of his own (with the exception of Phil still stood by his side) so that he'd never met Clay and he'd never moved in with Clay and so that he'd never pissed Clay off so much that he was pushed to the limits of—

"Dan?" Phil whispered softly, like he knew exactly where Dan's thoughts were going. Dan blinked and noticed how wet his eyes were. He bit his lip and looked at Phil desperately.

"I don't want to be here anymore." Dan confessed, and okay, maybe Dan wanted to die a little bit, and Phil seemed to pick up on the double meaning behind his words, because of course Dan didn't want to be at a house party right now, but that didn't mean he had to cry about it. Dan nearly collapsed with the way Phil seemed to literally  _ deflate  _ before his very eyes.

"Home, then?" Phil asked croakily, deciding now wasn't the time to talk about this with Dan. And he also knew that was bullshit, because there would never be a time to talk to someone about 'not being here anymore.' He just wanted to get Dan home so he could fix whatever was going through his head, even if he knew he couldn't just fix a years worth of hell.

"Please." Dan muttered, looking down at his shoes. God, he hated how Phil just stopped everything for him. Couldn't Phil put himself first for once? Maybe then Dan wouldn't feel so bad about coming back into his life. He already had angry glares from his old friends and a few people seemed to hate him because he had left Phil in such a state. Phil, however, never seemed to stop defending Dan, and that was another reason Dan was so in love with him and another reason why he was so mad at himself for not being able to let his boyfriend touch him.  _ Really _ touch him.

He just wanted to scream and let go of everything. Fuck.

Dan felt the whole meaning of the word in every vein in his body.

—

Dan looked out the window of the taxi he and Phil were currently occupying. He didn't know why watching things move by so quickly fascinated him. If anything it should terrify him; the realization that things went by so fast that by the time you arrived at your destination you couldn't pinpoint or describe what you just saw. Dan knew he saw flashes of people walking and running and living, and for some reason—even though technically he was moving faster than all of them—he felt stock still, stuck in place, unable to move forward and he couldn't move backward, he couldn't change what had already happened.

He felt like someone had hit pause on his life and he didn't like it. He didn't like not being in control. But as Dan thought about it, looking through the window wet with condensation, he hadn't had control over his own life for a very, very long time.

All of his problems seemed to lead him to the same place. Right back to where they started. Where he left Phil and met a monster and then tried to replace Phil, and really, Dan had basically stomped on Phil's metaphorical grave and spit on his name and had held a big, burning sign saying 'Fuck You, Phil Lester!' for all the world to see.

In other words, he had betrayed everything Phil had done for him because he was  _ scared _ .

He didn't even know what scared was until he had met Clay.

The taxi came to a stop and Dan was getting out before Phil even finished getting his wallet from his pocket. He heard Phil bid farewell to the driver and then Phil was by his side, leading him to the entrance of their building.

—

"Wanna talk about?" Phil asked when they were climbing the stairs to their bedroom.

"No." Dan said, shutting all efforts of making this easy for Phil down. He knew what he was doing, he knew that Phil probably hated him, and that he didn't really want to talk about  _ feelings  _ with Dan.

_ Dan _ didn't even want to talk about feelings with Dan.

" _ Please _ ?" Dan blinked and swallowed guiltily. The desperation of Phil's voice made Dan look down at his feet. They'd made it to their bedroom, and Dan had started taking off his scarf. It dropped to the ground when Phil stepped closer and Dan's eyes shot up, a small strike of fear making him step back and flinch just the tiniest bit. Phil gasped, his eyes widening in shock. For the step that Dan had taken back, he took four, making room between him and Dan. "Sorry."

"No, no. I'm an idiot." Dan said, his heart relaxing considerably more now that he'd gotten his head out of his ass and realized this was  _ Phil Lester,  _ the very last person in the entire world who would ever even think about laying a threatening hand on Dan. " _ I'm  _ sorry."

"You're not an idiot, Dan. You can be dense sometimes, but you're not an idiot." Phil said, trying to lighten the mood. It didn't work.

"It's been... months, Phil, I—I want to be able to touch you and I want you to touch me, no matter the fucking context. You—You can't take a step toward me without me flinching. And I _can't_ _help it_." Dan's eyes were staring out of their bedroom window. It was foggy because it was cold outside but it still felt comforting to Dan. "He destroyed me." Dan crumbled. "He took the one thing I loved the most away from me. And." He paused, "I helped him do it!" Dan immediately shut his mouth, unclenched his fists, and wiped the tears from his eyes.

"What do you mean you helped him? What'd he take away?" Phil asked, he steeped a little closer, after making sure Dan knew what he was doing, and then took another step.

"You." Dan said quietly. "He took you and I let him."

"You didn't _let_ _him_ do anything, Dan." Phil said sternly, his jaw tightened.

"I just left." Dan explained sadly.

Phil sighed. "Dan, we've had this conversation. It's okay."

"But it's not! Nothing is okay! I'm not okay; we're not okay."

"Hey," he stepped up closer to Dan, placing his hands gently and slowly on his shoulders. "We are as okay as we can be. And so are you. A month ago you wouldn't have let me touch you like this, see?" He squeezed his shoulders softly. "And you still have me, Bear, I'm right here."

"Then why do you feel miles away?"

There was a beat of silence and then Dan looked into Phil's eyes as if begging him to know exactly what he was feeling. At this point, Phil's own facade crumbles, his eyes becoming glassy.

"I can't even imagine what you went through, Dan. God, if I could..." he trailed off, his hands tightening a bit on Dan's shoulders as a distant look appeared in his eyes, then he blinked and snapped back into the conversation. "But what I need is for you to  _ tell _ me. That's the only way I can understand what you're feeling. But you don't have to relive those memories or talk about them unless  _ you  _ want to, okay? Your feelings and your thoughts, though, those are mine." He moves his hands up and lightly, as to not frighten Dan, wraps his fingers around the back of his neck and brings him forward to kiss his cheek softly. " _ You're _ mine. And I'm yours and I'm not going anywhere, unless you want me to."

In a blink of an eye, Dan had his arms tightly wrapped around Phil as he buried his head in Phil's neck. For the first time in  _ months _ , he cried in front of Phil and he felt vulnerable and naked, but he also felt free in a way, a little less bruised. Phil tentatively wrapped his arms around Dan, and Dan tried not to think of why.

"Hold me tighter." He whispered through his cries, and he was afraid that Phil would hear him but he was more afraid he wouldn't; and then relief was washing over him in big, slow waves as Phil held on so tightly that it was hard to breathe but Dan found nothing but solace and warmth and  _ love _ . Nothing but love and Dan held on just that bit tighter, too.

"We'll get through this, Bear." Phil said into Dan's hair.

Dan calmed down a bit but he continued to cry. The idea of 'we' made his heart beat faster and ache, but in a good way. It proved to Dan that he wasn't alone and it was like the sun poked its rays through the stormy clouds in his head, and Dan dug his fingers into Phil's back desperately.

—

Apparently, Dan had a thing for staring out windows. He'd never really been a people watcher before, but since he'd came back he felt like he'd changed. He wasn't sure whether it was in a good or bad way yet. Sure, he could only just handle people touching him now, but it wasn't always like that.   
  
When he'd first arrived with Phil at his mum's house, he let Phil wrap his fingers around his own and hold him whenever. Then, as Dan let everything sink in, the pain, the hurt, the disgust, that's when everything had come tumbling down; Phil had brushed his fingers down Dan's arm and he had collapsed, shaking in fear, refusing to listen to reason.   
  
Now, only Dan had the power to initiate contact with Phil, and, well, he did it all the time. He found small hand touches comforting and loved when Phil ran his fingers through his hair when he asked. Sometimes, Phil would mess up: maybe touching Dan's cheek without asking because he loved him dearly and couldn't help himself, but Dan would keep eye contact; in a way, silently telling Phil it was okay. Though Phil apologized profusely once he realized what he was doing, Dan just kissed him lightly on the lips or cheek or the top of his head because he loved Phil dearly and couldn't help himself either.   
  
Dan decided that was a good change. But it only came by with months of therapy. He loved touching Phil and had always felt that skin on skin contact was therapeutic, and it turned out his therapist agreed. It made him happy.   
  
Dan hated that it was taken away from him. He'd told his therapist that and she had said that Clay hadn't taken anything that Dan couldn't get back. It was safe to say that session held a lot of tears.   
  
Dan remained by the window. He figured he liked watching people so much because everything seemed to have changed after his talk with Phil all those months ago. As Dan looked out at the people hurrying along, he realized he didn't know a single one of them. He didn't know what the hell went on in any of their lives. He thought about how he used to be one of them.   
  
On the rare occasions where he'd be allowed out, to maybe do some errands for Clay, he'd walk the streets, debating if he should just get on a train and ride away forever. He never did, but he'd stumble around, smiling at anyone who smiled at him. He wasn't happy, but in those small moments he was free. Dan wondered how many people were going through their own problems as they walked around, seemingly caring about nothing and everything all at once. He wondered if anyone had seen through his smile when he was in their place.   
  
Dan pondered on his feelings now. He felt strangely light, a deep contrast to how he'd been feeling the last couple of months before he'd seriously gotten into therapy. Yeah, he wasn't exactly where he wanted to be, but, Dan thought happily, he was doing better. He was getting happier. He could think about things differently now. He could breathe and to Dan, that was more than enough for him to feel free. That feeling he longed for so much and he was feeling it and he was loving it.   
  
Clay was in prison for a good, long time, Phil was by his side for an even longer time, he hoped, he didn't want to jump out the window he was looking out of, and, as Phil came up behind him, walking louder than what was normal so Dan heard him, he didn't flinch a single inch as Phil gently placed his chin atop Dan's head. In fact, he smiled so wide that his cheeks hurt, then he smiled wider.   
  
"What are you feeling?" Phil asked. They picked this up after they went to one of Dan's sessions together. That way Phil had chance to understand what Dan needed on his way to recovery.   
  
"Is 'really, really fucking okay' a feeling?" Dan asked, relishing in the way Phil's chest vibrated with laughter against his back.   
  
"I'd say so, yes. Better than yesterday's 'like a whale after eating a lot of krill.'" Phil laughed and then cocked his head. "Well, actually, let me get back to you on that." Phil placed a wet kiss on Dan's big-dimpled cheek while Dan groaned something akin to moist! and wiped it off.   
  
"How are you feeling about our conversation yesterday, anyway?" Dan asked hopefully. Phil sighed, taking a seat right next to Dan. They had to get a small couch to put by the window. Phil's idea for letting Dan breathe.   
  
After their first breakthrough of communication, they had weekly, sometimes daily, chats. Just to check up on each other and see where the other stood, something that was recommended by Dan's therapist. Last night's conversation was nothing less than, well, a bit awkward. Which wasn't new for them, but it was knew for  _ them _ . They weren't used to being awkward with each other.   
  
"I don't want to be the one to dictate whether you're ready or not." He said, pausing to take Dan's hand in his own as he looked out Dan's window. "You know, I see why you like this so much—"   
  
"Phil, stop changing the subject!" Dan whined.   
  
"Shush, I'm not. We're having a moment okay? Let me talk." He said pointedly. He looked back out the window. After a moment he spoke again. "It's calming. Sometimes, after you fall asleep, I'll find myself awake so I make some coffee and come sit down here. It's nice, and, well, as lame as it is, it reminds me of you; even though you're the next room over. It just makes me feel—"   
  
"Free?" Dan cuts in. He looks at Phil's distant eyes and then to his small smile.   
  
"Yeah. Exactly. It's what kind of made me take the next step to talk to you, I think. I got a feel of where your thoughts were. At first, when you sat here I was worried and scared. I thought you wanted to leave again." Phil confessed. Dan's heart clenched, his hand squeezing Phil's.   
  
"You never told me that." Dan whispered softly.   
  
"Yeah, I don't know. I'm never really good at talking about things that affect me. At speaking about how I feel, I guess. I never really learned that until..." he trailed off, looking at his and Dan's clasped hands.   
  
"Until what?" Dan asked confusedly.   
  
Phil smiled at Dan. "Until you, Dan." It takes a moment for him to understand, but when he does, Dan's heart seemed to just start beating like it was the first time he'd ever been alive. The thought of actually helping Phil, instead of the other way around, made his eyes glassy and his head dizzy with pride.   
  
"How does—" Dan cleared his scratchy throat. "How does that not change the subject?" Dan asked, because he really had nothing else to say, his thoughts seemingly floating away in clouds above his head and Phil did nothing but laugh.   
  
"Dan, I just confessed something pretty big. At least, I think it was." He said. "But if you must know, I was going to get there eventually."   
  
"Sorry, I just. Like—"   
  
"I know," Phil said fondly. "I know. I know a lot of things about you, Dan. Because I love you and I care about you so much, more than myself. Which may be a bit unhealthy. But we're the embodiment of unhealthy so it fits.   
  
"A few months ago, you asked me if I still found you attractive. I think I might've hurt you because I didn't know what you wanted to hear. And it took me awhile to figure out all you wanted to hear was the truth. I still felt like I was walking on eggshells around you, and I could tell you hated that. It was just hard for me to say the truth. It's always hard for me to say how I've been feeling.   
  
“Since the very beginning, you've helped me actually feel things. Not just being happy because a person should always be happy. You were always a whirlwind of emotions and you didn't always have a reason for feeling the way you did, and it confused me, I think, which in turn intrigued me. With you, I felt like I didn't have to be sad because you were sad, even though I was, because I'm a huge empath. I didn't feel like I needed to be happy when you were, but you made me happy. I didn't feel like I needed to be obligated to feel a certain emotion just because it was what I was supposed to feel. For the first twenty-two years of my life, I was blind of having my own emotions."   
  
"I'm following, but where is this going?" Dan asked. He felt like if Phil continued, he'd cry. He never knew this about Phil and it felt good to hear such sincere words from him. Dan had always felt like he was less mature just because Phil seemed to handle his emotions better, so this was all surprising to him. He wished he'd known or even just noticed Phil's internal struggle.   
  
"Sorry, yeah. I'll get there, promise." Phil said, letting his thumb brush over Dan's wrist. "What I'm trying to say is that, when you came back, I saw my old self in you. I could see you struggling with feeling this emotion or that, and I'm upset that I didn't try to help you. I didn't really know how to help. You had just done it unknowingly, so I had literally no idea what I was doing. But now, Dan, God, you helped yourself. You sat right here by this window, any window, and you thought and thought and felt what you needed to be okay. Then you came in and told me you wanted to see a therapist. It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen happen, and I can't tell you how glad I am that you were able to help yourself. It's admiring and I look up to you, I always have. I wish... I could... show you how proud I am." Phil started to cry, pausing in his sentences as he had a hard time talking, and Dan got on his knees on the couch, placing his head on the side of Phil's.   
  
"Shush, it's okay, Phil. Don't be upset." Dan ran his fingers through Phil's hair, comforting him.   
  
Phil sobered up a bit, giving Dan a watery smile. "No, I'm not upset, I'm just feeling. And it's good Dan; I'm good. But what I wanted to say, in regards to yesterday's conversation and when you asked me if I found you attractive." He sat up, wiping his tears on his sleeve and turning to fully face Dan. Their faces were close and their eyes were red and watery. "You are the most attractive, beautiful, sexy man I've ever laid my eyes upon. I love you and everything about you. Whether it be your charming looks, your cute, curly hair, or that big, crazy intelligent brain of yours. I'm attracted to every single inch of you from your little toe, passed that so-full heart, and to the tips of your small ears. But—"   
  
"I knew it was coming!" Dan laughed, a big, wet, hyena laugh that let a few happy tears fall from his eyes.   
  
"But," Phil laughed along, "I'm not going to have sex with you just to tell you those things." He said carefully, looking deeply into Dan's brown eyes. "I love you too much to fool you into thinking that sex is the biggest way for me to love you. I think the biggest way to love you is with with my heart and with my eyes and with the words 'I love you so much, Dan Howell!'" He shouted. "'Dan Howell is the love of my life!'" He said again. And again and again. Even opening the window and yelling out, "Did you know I'm gonna marry Dan Howell someday!" at random people on the street, where one fairly young guy said, "I'll be at the wedding! Good luck, mate!" And Dan lost it on the couch. He didn't know if he was laughing or crying or maybe he was dying and going to heaven, or he was already there because Phil wanted to marry him someday and, well, he wanted nothing more than to be Phil's forever and always.   
  
"Too much?" Phil asked as they settled down together on the couch again.   
  
"Just enough, actually." Dan confessed happily.   
  
"What are you feeling?" Phil asked, moving his thumb along Dan's cheekbone, his eyes serious but crinkled at the edges to show his happiness.   
  
"Fondness, warmth, infatuation, adoration, yearning, endearment, passion, every God damn word for love there is." Dan whispered, his voice getting stronger and stronger as he went on.   
  
"There's that whirlwind of emotion, Dan Howell." Phil said softly, lovingly, fondly. "I love you, Dan." He whispered.   
  
"Phil Lester, will you marry me?" Dan asked earnestly.   
  
Phil blinked. "That was supposed to be my line." Phil smiled so big that his tongue poked out of his teeth.   
  
"Fine, you can say it then." Dan said, mockingly rolling his eyes.   
  
Phil stared at Dan, leaning in slowly, and Dan's breath hitched as Phil kissed him. A soft, slow, languid kiss that made Dan's cheeks blush and toes curl and his fingers itch with the need to touch.   
  
"Will you marry me?" Phil said as he stopped the kiss, his lips still brushing Dan's.   
  
"What are you feeling?" Dan asked.   
  
"Want." Phil replied quickly before he blushed. "Sorry. Didn't mean to push anything. Your call."   
  
"Yes." Dan said.   
  
"What?"   
  
"Yes."   
  
"Really?"   
  
"Yes, Phil. God, of course, I asked you first!"   
  
Phil hugged Dan to his body so tightly that the next day Dan was sore. He'd never thought he'd be happier to see that Phil wasn't in the room when he looked over at his pillow and saw a small black box with a note that read:   
_  
_ _ Thought you'd want this, too. To, you know, remind yourself that it was MY line. Pancakes and anime are all set up. Come find me, my sleepy-head fiancé. Xx _ _  
_ _  
_ _ ps. Sorry about that hug yesterday, I didn't mean to bruise you :( I love you too much. Xoxo (these hugs are less violent, promise!) _ _  
_   
—   
  
It was a couple days later and Dan, well, Dan was sitting on the bed staring out of their bedroom window. Instead of thinking about being free and looking down at the people below him, Dan was thinking about Phil. He wasn't looking down at the people, he was looking up at the cloudy, dark blue sky; the white puffs moving ever so slowly, sometimes changing shape or disappearing altogether.   
  
Phil was out at the moment and Dan was bored. Which was, new. Old, yes, but somehow it felt alien and so, so new. It was late-ish, maybe 8:30, and Dan had already done everything twice.   
  
Clouds, he thought, are slow. Dan's lips lifted up at one side, finding his inner commentary funny for some reason, and then it dropped. I bet Phil would say something like 'Your mum's slow' Dan thought.   
Dan was bored.   
  
It was just a flash, though, a short memory, but it was enough to ignite the idea into Dan's head. It'd been so long. It felt like it'd been years. He hadn't enjoyed himself at all, and he was alone. Phil wouldn't be back for another while. He had time. Dan relaxed when he finally agreed with himself. He could handle this. Maybe.   
  
He thought about the memory that had popped up. It was the morning after Phil had proposed and he was...different. He seemed a little wild in a way. Dan knew that when Phil was supremely happy, he got excited, in every meaning of the word. He, however, was still as guarded as ever.   
  
When Dan had walked in, hair sleep ruffled, decked in only a thin shirt and a pair of Phil's boxers, along with a silver band adorning his ring finger, Phil had bitten his lip, hard. Dan had seen Phil do it; he'd seen Phil check him out and Dan had almost cried with joy. Phil still found him sexy! He still thought Dan was appealing, attractive, beautiful! Dan had smiled so warmly at him, so happily, that Phil had looked away guiltily. Dan was confused. Phil did still think he was sexy, right?   
  
Then it clicked like a puzzle piece. He had taken in a deep breath and then pulled his shoulders back, trying to give himself confidence. He walked over to Phil, took his coffee cup from his lap and placed himself there instead. He took a long, slow drink from the coffee, staring into Phil's wide eyes that refused to go any lower than Dan's own. Even his hands were glued to his side. Dan removed the cup from his lips.   
  
"It's okay," he'd said. "I like it when you look at me." Though he blushed, there was no denying that Dan had Phil wrapped around his finger then. Phil seemed to lean in and gravitate towards Dan, his hands softly touching Dan's knees that were aside Phil.   
  
"Yeah?" Phil had asked. He placed a gentle kiss to Dan's chin, and Dan had closed his eyes, waited for more, wanted for more. Phil kissed along his jaw, a place that hadn't been kissed in a long, long time. There were a billion places on Dan that hadn't been kissed in a long, long time.   
  
Dan thought about the way Phil's lips had moved so slowly, the way Phil had carefully pulled Dan closer and closer so that their chests were touching. He thought about the way they both tasted like coffee when they kissed each other's lips, along with a hint of mint from Phil's side. He even thought about the guttural moan that had escaped Dan's lips when Phil touched the top of his thighs, how he'd sounded so desperate, so needy, and he had ground down into Phil's lap, who, with a sigh and a sad smile, pulled away from Dan.   
  
"I get that you're ready, Dan. God, I'd love nothing more than to take you right now and—"   
  
"Then why don't you?" Dan asked desperately, he needed this, he needed to feel connected in some way. He was needy and hard now, and Phil was looking at him with those eyes.   
  
"I need to...I need to learn to control myself. I haven't let myself think about sex with you, okay?" Dan tried to hide the way he deflated, he thought about sex with Phil almost all the time. "Hey, fuck, Dan, it's not like that. But just now, right when I saw you come in, I almost couldn't help myself. You're so beautiful and sexy, I just need some time to learn some control. Then, then we'll talk." He promised, tucking some of Dan's messy curls away.   
  
"Soon, though?" Dan had asked, scooting closer to Phil on his lap. He placed three kisses on his jaw and he heard a soft sigh as Phil closed his eyes.   
  
"God, yes." Phil said, before his eyes snapped open.   
  
"Yes, I mean," he cleared his throat. "Yeah, of course."   
  
Dan thought about that a lot now. The way Phil seemed to be under so much control yet none at all. Dan had realized sex probably wouldn't be like it used to be between them for a while. Yeah, it was definitely going to be for the pleasure but also for them. When Dan had went looking for their old box of mildly-kinky toys, just out of pure curiosity, he hadn't found them. When he asked Phil, he blushed and said "I've put them away. Until you give the word and I agree, they stay put away." Dan had smiled and moved on.   
  
Now, Dan thought about Phil. Phil alone and nothing else. Was it wrong to imagine your partner sexually without consent? Dan didn't really think about it, just let the thought of the way Phil used to hold him take over his mind. He thought about the way Phil felt underneath him when he was in Phil's lap. He thought about how he really, really wanted to kiss him right now. How sweet and soft Phil's lips were; his bottom lip always seemed to be in between Dan's teeth when they kissed. He missed it being there. He missed—   
  
"Dan?" There was a knock at the door and Dan had scurried to cover himself with the duvet. Luckily, Phil had adopted the habit of knocking and waiting for a response before he entered a room with the door closed, and Dan had only been palming himself through his boxers, still completely dressed. Dan thought it nothing but helpful. With the extra time, Dan composed himself and called out that it was okay for Phil to enter, quickly grabbing his phone to make it look like he was doing something other than touching himself in their shared bed. "Hey, Bear, I got finished shopping finally. I don't know why I waited until so late to go. What you up to?" He said, coming in and taking off his shoes and jacket.   
  
Though Dan thought it was obvious with the phone in his hand, he shrugged. "I don't know." Maybe if he was lucky—took things slow—he'd be able to talk to Phil and see where he was. "I'm super bored, actually."   
  
"Yeah? Do you wanna watch a movie?" Phil asked and Dan bit his lip thoughtfully.   
  
God, why was this so hard? It really had been a long time since he and Phil had done anything. What did he used to do when he wanted sex? Just straight up ask 'hey, I'm like super hard right now, wanna have sex'?   
  
"Well...I mean, not at the moment, no." Dan said. He set his phone on the nightstand and now he was playing with the duvet settled over his lap. Phil furrowed his brow.   
  
"Is there something wrong? What are you feeling?" He asked, stepping closer and sitting down by Dan's feet on the bed.   
  
"I don't know, there's a couple things?" Dan tried, his hands wringing together.   
  
"Well, that's okay, just name a few." Phil picked up his hand and set it on top of Dan's leg, slowly moving up and down in a comforting manner. Although, Dan didn't need comfort and his mind was entirely elsewhere.   
  
"Um, nervous, scared maybe, and..." Dan trailed off uncertainly.   
  
"And? And what, Dan, it's okay." Phil pressured slightly. Dan didn't care; he saw the worry in his eyes. With a final breath and contemplative lip bite, Dan got up on his knees, went over to Phil, and sat, straddling his lap.   
  
"I know you're not ready for sex yet, and I know that you want to wait and that's okay, but God, Phil, can you please, please touch me? You don't even have to like...just please I miss you so much and—" Dan went quiet, he set his forehead on Phil's shoulder and let his legs spread wider over Phil, while his fingers were on Phil's neck and back and arms.   
  
Phil pulled away a bit and Dan felt his heart drop. Was he doing something wrong? Should he have just asked instead of literally getting on top of Phil? Oh God, was he just like—?   
  
"Dan?"   
  
Dan pushed himself off of Phil and walked to place his back against the wall, putting room between himself and where Phil sat. Did he really just do that? He had basically forced himself on Phil! He was just like Clay!   
  
"Phil, I am so, so sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I won't do it again." For some reason, those words sounded familiar. Dan tried hard to push those thoughts away. He felt like he just might die with the weight that was pulling on his heart. He didn't know what was worse: being just like Clay, or the fact that Phil could hate him now.   
  
"Dan, listen to me, hey?" Dan looked at Phil who was kneeling in front of him now. He wasn't touching Dan and that revelation made him fall to his own knees.   
  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Dan repeated, his eyes welling up with tears.   
  
Phil looked heartbroken and all he could do was just take Dan into his arms and whisper that it was okay.   
  
"You did nothing wrong, not a thing." He told Dan. Dan wrapped his arms around Phil as tightly as he could.   
  
After some time, Dan was left sniffling, burying his head into Phil's neck while he rocked them back and forth. Phil was sitting crisscrossed and Dan was sitting sideways in his lap.   
  
"Talk to me. Tell me what happened."   
  
Dan tightened his arms that were clinging onto Phil. "I'm no better than him, am I?" Dan asked quietly, the words tasting bitter on his tongue.   
  
"Don't you ever say that." Phil said sternly. Dan tensed in his arms. "Don't you ever say anything like that ever again. I swear I'll—" Phil cut himself off when he saw Dan's face. He'd never really seen Phil like that before.   
  
"I—I've been pushing you. For sex, and that's a horrible thing for me to do. I'm sorry. And, and just then, you were pulling away because I had thrown myself over you! I wasn't thinking and I know how that...feels...why are laughing?" Dan asked. He felt offended and hurt, and Phil was beginning to become hysterical. When Phil looked down, a tear slipped from his cheek. "Phil?"   
  
Phil buried his face into Dan's neck and his laughter turned to sobbing. His arms came around and he hugged Dan to himself. Dan didn't know what was wrong, but his heart ached. Anyone looking at them would see a mess of a couple. Both red-faced from crying and the desperate but tentative way they touched each other.   
  
"I'm sorry I wasn't there." is the first thing Phil said when he sobered up. "I should've been there."   
  
"You didn't know where I was." Dan said confusedly. Is that what's he's on about?   
  
"No, no. After you left. I should've followed you, should've found out why you really wanted to leave. We were both scared, Dan, okay? Both of us. And, we can't go back and we can't fix everything, but God, just now? I wasn't pulling away because you were, forcing yourself on me. I wanted you as much as you wanted me. Maybe more. And I wish I could go back, walk through that door and have looked at you and thought 'hey, Dan looks pretty, I want to make him feel good' but I can't and I can't go back and change all of the awful things that have happened to make you even think that you and that—that monster were anything alike."   
  
"I thought I was getting better." Dan said, his eyes finding the floor. He felt like it was shameful that he had went back to crying in Phil's arms. Phil's expression had softened and he looked at him with sad, comforting eyes.   
  
"It's okay to take a few steps back, Bear. You don't need to rush yourself and you really can't in this situation. I'm here for you if you ever need to come down a little bit. I'll be ready with open arms to catch you when you fall. No matter what."   
  
"I don't suppose you still wanna watch that movie?" Dan asked softly after a pause. Phil smiled down at him sadly, his eyes still shining with tears. It was very rarely that Dan got to see him cry; he guessed it had to do with what Phil told him about struggling with his emotions. He felt guilt root itself in the pit of his stomach, he shouldn't have made Phil cry. "Sorry."   
  
"It's alright." Phil said. "I promise, Dan, everything is okay. You are getting better. It takes time and we have all of it."   
  
"I'm—I know, trust me. I do. I just didn't think I'd be so—so frustrated. It's like I'm back home and you're in Manchester, hours away. God, at least then we had Skype." Dan confessed, putting his head down on Phil's shoulder in shame, his cheeks pink.   
  
"You do know why we're waiting, right? If I didn't love you, I wouldn't be doing this." Phil explained. He squeezed Dan in his arms lightly. "And I do. I do love you."   
  
"I'm ready, Phil. I am. I've been ready. And I understand you want to wait, and I respect that, I do. But, only as long as you're not holding off because you think I'm not ready." Dan didn't mean to make it sound like he was accusing Phil. In fact, he hadn't even meant to say that. But the more he thought about it, and the look on Phil's face, well, he must've struck something.   
  
Phil sighed, his whole body seeming to melt. "I, God, I hadn't really thought about that." He blew out his cheeks and Dan was looking at him intensely. Phil met his eyes, an apology clearly on the tip of his tongue.   
  
"Hey, no, don't apologize. It's okay. I appreciate it, my dick doesn't, but I do." Phil rolled his eyes, his lips quirking up just the tiniest bit.   
  
"You're impossible." Phil exasperated, and Dan laughed softly.   
  
"You love me! You want marry me." Dan taunted, standing up and making his way to the bed while touching the ring on his finger.   
  
Phil turned his head, a fond look in his eyes and a happy smile on his lips. "Glad you're happy." He said. Dan smiled back, nodding toward the bed.   
  
"Sleep?" He asked, his expression turning soft. Phil cocked a brow. "Just sleep. I know when the mood is killed."   
  
Phil stood up, taking his jeans and socks off so he'd be more comfortable, and got in the bed. He scooted over and held up the corner for Dan, who slid right in beside him.   
  
"I need you to understand that it's not because I think you're not ready." Phil started quietly. "It's more that I'm scared I'll do something wrong, make you—make you remember something that I don't ever want you to remember. I'm scared and I'm not ready to face that. I'm not belittling you or your word, because I trust you. I just...don't trust myself." Phil found Dan's hand underneath the duvet and he squeezed tightly.   
  
"I trust you. Isn't that enough?" Dan asked just as quietly.   
  
Phil was quiet and Dan was afraid he said the wrong thing. What he's saying makes sense and Dan felt like he just disregarded everything he had said.   
"It should be, but I'm still afraid, still reluctant." Phil confessed.   
  
"Well, like you've told me many, many times before: it's okay. What you're feeling? It's normal. You can be afraid, just as long as you come out brave in the end." Dan said, holding Phil's hand more firmly.   
  
"And what if I'm not. What if I can't be brave?"   
  
"I'll try to be brave for you."   
  
Phil sighed, turning to look at Dan completely; he had a smile on his face, his eyes only just a little bit wet. "It's rare you know just what to say, that's supposed to be my line."   
  
Dan smiled and looked into Phil's eyes. "Like you said, we're both afraid. But I trust you wholeheartedly, with anything. With...everything. And that is definitely my line this time."   
  
"Promise you don't hate me for making you a nun?"   
  
Dan laughed, a deep laugh that reverberated through his chest, and if his eyes teared up just a bit, well, no one had to know. "I do. And you promise you don't hate me for attacking you?"   
  
"Please, I only hate you when you call me out for eating your cereal."   
  
Dan puckered his lips out, chewing on the inside of his cheeks. "So...all the time?"   
  
"Now I'm mad at you."   
  
Dan laughed a big laugh which ended in Phil kissing him. His excuse being that if he didn't, the whole of London would surely awake.   
  
—   
  
It was weird. The tickling sensation on his neck. He felt it and it felt, well, good. It made him shiver deliciously and his toes curled under the covers. Dan could faintly hear his own breath and he was panting for some reason, sucking in breaths, and then he felt himself let out a groan when the tickling on his neck was replaced by warmth and something wet.   
  
"C'mon, Dan, wake up." Phil whispered into his ear, laughing softly when he saw the hair on Dan's body stand on end and goosebumps rose all over Dan's skin.   
  
Dan opened his eyes, met with the sight of warm rays sneaking through the window, casting a yellow glow into the room, and Phil's nimble fingers traveling up his thigh, getting oh-so close, and then going back down, only to repeat the process.   
  
"G'morning." Dan said sleepily, turning to look at Phil's shining eyes as they looked upon him.   
  
"Is this okay?" Phil whispered to Dan, his hand pausing to stroke Dan's knee. He seemed hesitant, and Dan smiled up at him in a silent thanks.

"Yeah, mhmm, it's good." Dan nodded. "Really good, don't stop." He rolled into his side and picked his hand up to bring it around Phil's neck. He placed a chaste kiss onto Phil's smiling lips, repeating the action until Phil laughed and gave in, leaning his head down to press his lips firmly to Dan's for awhile. Their lips moved slowly but reassuringly. Dan was trying to engrave Phil's kisses into his memory. Even though they've kissed a thousand and one times, he still felt like he'd lose it at any moment.   
  
"What do you want, Dan?" Phil asked, ducking his head to kiss again at Dan's neck, making him close his eyes and breathe a shaky breath.   
  
"Isn't it obvious? You. I want you, Phil." He responded, his fingers tightening on the back of Phil's neck when he he nipped at Dan's collarbone. Their legs tangled under the duvet and Dan ran his fingers up and into Phil's hair and tugged, making the other gasp against his shoulder. "I've only ever wanted you."   
  
Phil pulled away and then reattached their lips in a hard kiss. Dan was starting to realize maybe he wasn't the only desperate one.   
  
Phil never got like this. He was always calm and collected, making Dan feel inexperienced when he would squirm and moan loudly. Now, Phil was pulling Dan closer with his hands on Dan's back, his legs were constantly tugging Dan's between his, and Phil's kisses were consistent and deep. His lips and tongue coaxing Dan into moaning into his mouth, and even Phil was grunting hotly into Dan's. Phil let his tongue run over Dan's and for a moment their tongues were twisting and they took turns sucking the other's into their mouths. Dan felt his stomach tighten with each drag of Phil's tongue on his, and then Phil was nipping at Dan's jaw, his chin, the juncture between his neck and shoulder, his collarbones. Dan was left to gasping and running his legs along Phil's as his fingers pulled Phil's head closer.   
  
"How do you want me?" Phil mumbled. His hand was sliding up Dan's side and Dan arched off the bed, moaning when Phil ran his fingernails against his skin. Dan had to press his palm against his cock to relieve himself a bit, and Phil buried his head into Dan's neck while he watched him rub himself through his boxers, the duvet having fallen to his knees. "We can just do this if you want." He said, one hand cupping the side of Dan's face, lips connected to his jaw on the other.   
  
"No, no, I want you. Want you so bad, just feels so good, Phil." He whimpered, reluctantly slowing his movements and taking his hand away from himself. He threw his left leg over Phil and stood on his knees above him while Phil turned to lay on his back. Phil ran his palms up Dan's thighs to his waist where he gripped lightly, sitting up to kiss at Dan's neck. Dan placed himself in Phil's lap and moaned as he rutted against Phil's cock once. "Undress me?" Dan asked quietly. Phil nodded slowly, stopping his ministrations and sitting back a bit.   
  
"If you're sure?" He asked, fingers hovering over the hem of Dan's shirt.   
  
"Yeah, and could we, um, slow down a bit?" He blushed. It wasn't like he didn't love what they had just done. He'd missed the fast, needy touches Phil used to give him, he missed everything. But he wanted to take things slow.   
  
"Yes, of course, Bear. Was I too much?" Phil asked worriedly. Dan shook his head quickly.   
  
"No, no, that's not it. It was good, really good, trust me. I just mean for this next part. I wanna be with you." He spoke softly, picking up Phil's hand to play with his fingers nervously.   
  
"Okay, and you really want to do this? It's okay if you want to stop later, too, I'm just making sure." Phil looked at Dan intensely, no doubt trying to make sure there was no hesitance in Dan's answer, which was just a nod. "With words, Bear."   
  
"Yes, Phil. I'm ready, I want this, want you." He said, wrapping his hands around Phil's neck and pecking his lips. "Now, undress me."

Phil took his time removing Dan’s clothes and chasing them with his lips and fingers pressed to his skin. Dan could hear his uneven breaths and knowing that Phil was taking his time, dragging this out, and holding himself back, made shivers run over his exposed body. Dan clawed at Phil’s shoulders when they were both completely naked and Phil was on top of him ravishing his mouth.

Phil licked into Dan’s mouth, one hand on his hip and the other holding himself up. He trailed his kiss to Dan’s chin and then nibbled on his neck, sucking the smooth skin between his teeth. Dan threw his head back, letting out a soft moan while his fingers dug into Phil’s back. He had a perfect view of his ass and he couldn't help but slide his hand down and take the plush flesh into his grip and squeeze. Moaning, Phil rutted down into Dan and they both stayed like that for a couple seconds: breathing heavily and hips bucking for that wonderful friction of their cocks sliding hot and wet together.

Phil moved to sit in Dan’s lap, his cock curved toward his stomach. He looked down at Dan and the latter breathed a sigh of relief. This was good. Too good. Dan hadn’t thought he’d ever be able to feel like this again. He ran his hands up Phil’s thighs, around his back, and pulled him down into a hot kiss. He bit Phil’s bottom lip and reached in between them to wrap his fingers around the both of them.

He leaned up to Phil’s ear and licked his lobe. He squeezed their lengths together. “I want it like this.” His kissed down his jaw and flopped his head back onto the pillow. He watched Phil bite his own lip and with his eyes closed as he took in the sensation of Dan sliding his big hand over them. “Are you close already?” Dan teased.

Phil nodded, opening his eyes. “Missed you like this.” Dan ran his thumb over Phil’s head and smeared the precum over their cocks. Dan moaned when Phil's hand came down to join and they jerked each other together.

“I can never stop thinking about you.” Dan said, his abdomen clenching with his impending orgasm. “Still make we feel so good.”

Phil leaned down and kissed him, his teeth nipping his lips, and then they stayed like that, breathing into each other’s open mouth. Dan saw Phil’s face scrunch up as he jerked them faster, and then he felt his cock throb against his own and Phil was coming white hot right on top of him. Dan sped up his own hands his orgasm right there, when Phil batted his hand away and used his cum-covered-hand to achingly slowly start sliding his hand up and down Dan’s cock.

It felt like fire, Phil’s thumb non-stop being rubbed over his slit.

“I got you, Dan, come on, baby. Cum for me.”

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Dan moaned. He could feel his orgasm climbing its way to his balls, down his legs, and then exploding over his entire body as he came hot and heavy over Phil’s hand still slowly and maddeningly rubbing up and down his dick. “Phil.” He whined, when he didn’t stop. “You're going to kill me.” His cock spurted out another shot of cum and he throbbed in Phil’s hand. Phil licked his lips and then reluctantly let go. Dan breathed in shakily as Phil settled down beside.

“You're a right mess.” Phil pointed out.

“Ah, thank you, I would have never guessed.” Dan laughed.

“So was that good? Are you good?”

“Was that good? Seriously? God, that was torture there at the end, but fuck, that was so fucking good.” 

Phil shrugged. “You told me to go slow.”

Dan leaned in and kissed Phil’s lips over and over and then he settled on licking into his mouth. They pulled apart out of breath and Phil kissed down his neck and sucked a mark right under his chin. “Like I said, you're killing me.” Dan said as Phil pulled away with swollen lips. He gave them one last kiss and ordered Phil to clean up all the mess from his stomach.

“I could lick it off?” Phil said as he pushed Dan on his back and sat back on his thighs.

“I will seriously never kiss you again.”

Phil laughed and went off to get a towel. Dan touched the silver band on his finger with a smile. Everything was okay. It was going to get even better. He watched his angel come in and clean him up, and for some reason they couldn't stop giggling. Dan pegged it down as happiness. Something he could give Phil and himself credit for. They'd made this happen, and it was good, and it wasn't going anywhere.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/letspartyrightnowplease)


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